Entities complain of 'incessant demands from amateurish weekend shamans’

'It's relentless. They won't leave us alone'

The Enchanted Life Forms Society (ELF-SOC) this week occupied public squares in multiple US universities, to protest against the so-called ‘psychedelic renaissance’, a two-decade movement of scientific research and public hype, which ELF-SOC claims has created a dangerous rise of weekend amateur shamans who continually pester them with banal demands.

Grumpy, a gnome protesting at Columbia University, told Ecstatic Integration: ‘For many decades we’ve dealt mainly with indigenous shamans and the occasional western sorcerer. They knew how to engage with entities, more or less. And there weren’t many of them, so the workload was manageable. But that all changed in the last ten years.’

Grumpy and his ELF-SOC colleagues say that they began to see an increasing number of requests from western tourists going to ayahuasca retreats in the early Noughties. ‘They would always ask us ‘what should I do with my life?’ Do I look like I give a shit? We’d tell them ‘you should sell all your possessions, move to the jungle and become a shaman’, just to fuck with them. And they believed us! It really made us laugh, watching some coder from Santa Monica move to the Amazon jungle.’

But then, in 2018, Michael Pollan published How To Change Your Mind, bringing the psychedelic subculture to the mainstream. ‘Don’t mention Michael Pollan to me’, says Cranky, another protesting gnome from their tent outside Johns Hopkins Medical School in Baltimore. ‘After his book came out, the soccer moms started bothering us, then the crypto bros, then suddenly everyone was taking psychedelics. I have literally had people asking me if they should buy Solana, if their kid should major in law or business. It’s relentless. They won’t leave us alone.’

Grumpy says in the last few years ELF-SOC tried a new strategy to deal with the hordes of amateurish weekend faux-shamans pestering them. ‘We tried to drive them insane. We started making up the wildest shit we could imagine. We told them everything was a simulation, that they were about to ascend to 5D consciousness, that science was bullshit, vaccines were poison and the way to be really healthy was to drink their own urine. We even told them to vote for RFK.’

Grumpy pauses and stares bleakly at the ground. ‘We never expected he’d actually get into government.’

Now, according to ELF-SOC, it’s worse than ever. ‘We have Aubrey Marcus on extended DMT pestering us for hours, wanting to know the secrets of the ‘Galactic Federation’, says Cranky. ‘You know what it’s like being trapped in a dimension with Aubrey Marcus for seven hours? Hellish.’

ELF-SOC recently launched a support service for entities who feel bewildered by constant ridiculous demands from newbie psychonauts. ‘The transhumanists, the MAHA crowd, the Bufo churches, the ketamine addicts…the whole scene has got so fucking weird I think I have ontological shock’, says Sketchy, an elf protesting outside the Usona Institute.

‘There’s this guy called Greg Lake. Church of Psilo-something. I just….’ Sketchy shakes his head. ‘I can’t make any sense of it.’

‘We just want things to go back to the way they were’, says Cranky, ‘around 1990, when we’d get maybe 5-10 sensible requests each week. If I hear one more ‘space-holder’ tell me their intention is to ‘let go of whatever doesn’t serve you’ I will lose my shit. And don’t get me started on the New Age singing. Can you imagine being trapped in a lift playing Enya, on a loop. And the sage…what’s with all the fucking sage?’

ELF-SOC plans a week of protests against the universities leading the psychedelic renaissance, including NYU, Emory, UCSF and Harvard. Some elf protestors have already been targeted by the US Government’s ‘catch and revoke’ process and deported. ‘They need to leave America and go back to Greenland’, said Vice President JD Vance. ‘Which by the way is also America’.

The psychedelic industry's entity dilemma

Happy April Fool’s Day. It was all a dream. Except for the last bit. After the paywall, the US government is being put through the woodchipper, with tens of thousands of federal workers being laid off. The science community has voiced concerns about the direction of HHS. Meanwhile the psychedelic lobby is hopeful about some new and possible government appointments.