Bryan Johnson takes psychedelics, becomes less of an asshole
Plus other startling news from around the internet
Bryan Johnson emerged from his latest live-streamed psychedelic experience declaring himself to have been radically changed. ‘I realize now what a complete asshole I was’, said the 48-year-old tech millionaire. ‘But now I’ll never be the same.’
He continued:
I realize that my striving for physical immortality was actually a developmental flaw, an indication of my immaturity and yearning for perpetual adolescence, a striving only emphasized by my pathetic and cringe adoption of Gen Z slang like ‘Unc’.
I realize that I’m using drugs to try and feel like a teenager again, and this is a reflection of the essential irresponsibility of the business elite in the Trump era. We are a generation of spoilt man-babies led by a man-baby-in-chief.
I realize now that psychedelic culture, especially in Silicon Valley, is possessed by the archetype of the Puer Aeternus, Peter Pan, boys who never grow up.
Look at the richest man in the world, Elon Musk, spending all his time playing Diablo, snorting ketamine, race-trolling on X, and impregnating various women without emotionally being there for them or their children. What an asshole.
Johnson paused, and stared out of a window.
The government I publicly supported shut down USAID, which is predicted to cause 14 million preventable deaths in the next four years. What a psychopathic, zero-empathy, racist, twisted, asshole thing for Elon Musk to do. It sickens me that I supported these MAGA-MAHA goons, simply because they cut taxes and made some encouraging noises about psychedelics and biohacking. How much more money did I really need? As repentance, I now plan to give away 95% of my $400 million fortune to those children affected by the closure of USAID. If I can extend their lives and reduce their suffering even slightly, I will have been paid back 100-fold.
Turning to his 30-year-old girlfriend and employee, Johnson declared:
Kate, now that my eyes have been opened by psychedelics, I realize it’s ethically inappropriate to date a woman 18 years younger than me who is also my personal assistant. I realize I’m using money to try and buy affection and control. I want a girlfriend who is also a personal assistant because I’m a massive man-baby whose needs must always come first. Because deep down, I don’t feel loveable. Deep down, I’m still just a puffy-cheeked red-headed Mormon kid. So I try to fill my insecurity with money, attention and power. But now I’ve changed.
Johnson then turned to his teenage son, Talmage.
And you, my son, I make you sit through these live-streamed drug sessions and tell the audience how much you love and admire me. What a narcissist asshole I am - or was. The fact is, I envy your 19-year-old body. If there was some way to do a body-swap, I would. I would pay to put my consciousness into your body. Sorry, but it’s true. I apologise for always making it all about me, I apologise for making you live in the shadow of my ego. I realize now, after this latest psychedelic experience, that true parenthood means not sucking up all the oxygen in the room, that parents grow young again not through endless supplements, but through our children, celebrating their achievements and their freedom rather than using them as bit parts in our endless drama.
Johnson then turned and looked directly into the camera.
I’d like to apologise to my previous girlfriend, Taryn, who I broke up with while she had cancer, then made her sign a separation agreement the day after I gave her MDMA. That was a truly asshole thing to do.
Above all, I want to apologise to you, the world, for my endless attention-seeking antics. I was addicted to attention. It didn’t matter what drug I was taking, it was all just a ruse for attention. I thought if I had thousands of people’s attention, somehow it would fill the hole in my soul. But now, thanks to this latest psychedelic experience, I truly accept myself, just as I am. I truly care about more than just my body, my reputation, my ego.
This experiment proves that psychedelics don’t just inflate egos and enhance narcissism. No, they truly do make you a better person. And that explains why Silicon Valley today is so full of wise, mature, ethically and socially responsible, sexually faithful, and above all, humble, men.
With that, he turned off the camera, deleted all his social media accounts, broke up with his personal-assistant-girlfriend, liquidated his stock portfolio, threw away all his longevity pills, and gave away most of his fortune to help those truly in need.
After the paywall, OneTaste founder gets sentenced to nine years in prison, bullshit psychedelic adverts, mysticism and psychosis, and ChatGPT saves someone from suicidal post-psychedelic difficulties.
